A Conversation Between an Alaskan Salmon and a Brown Bear

Alaska is a majestic place. It’s a land of natural beauty and wonder, home to many national parks that offer breathtaking views of glaciers, fjords, and rugged coastline.

And the wildlife on display there! Packs of brawny caribou graze the flowering tundra while their nemesis, the Alaskan wolf, stalks close by. A humpback whale launches itself out of the water, followed by another, then yet another, until the sight becomes a harmonious dance amongst the cetacean sect. Let’s not forget the abundance of bears Alaska has to offer: black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, and polar bears. Oh my!

Bears are so prominent in Alaska that you could easily go up to one and ask it a few questions, which is exactly why we’re here today — for a conversation between two pillars of the Alaskan frontier community. As part of the salmon association, you would think I would be terrified to be sitting across from a most ravenous rival. Normally, you would be correct. But today, Mr. Brown and I have decided to settle our differences and have a lively exchange about our homeland, the benefits of a, um, fish diet, and why winter is the perfect time for being lazy.

Thank you for sitting down with me.  

Of course.  

Let me start by addressing the elephant in the room.  

I’m a bear.  

Excuse me?  

I am a bear. Brown, to be specific. You called me an elephant. Different animal altogether.  

Oh, no. Sorry. It’s a figure of speech. I want to ask you a question I think all of us  salmon would like to know: Why do you love eating us so much?  

(Laughs) Ah. That’s an easy one. Because you’re keto friendly! 

(Clears throat) Ok…

Alright, in all seriousness, you guys are jam-packed with fat. I mean, loaded with the stuff. We walk across vast tracts of land to get to the rivers you populate. That burns a lot of energy, which y’all help to restore. Salmon offer a rich, nutrient-packed diet with omega-3s and are beneficial to keeping my cholesterol levels in check. You guys are stuffed to the actual gills with protein. We pride ourselves on our toughness, and that comes from having big, strong muscles. And then you combine that yummy fat and protein, which comes in pretty handy for those of us sleeping all winter. We need you to survive.  

I see.  

Most important, you’re delicious. We eat you whole, but I can only imagine how much better you taste after coming out of the pan, crispy skin, drizzled in olive oil and some kind of sauce, just like we see those pesky campers enjoying. Wouldn’t mind getting a few of them over an open fire, too. 

Thank you, I think. Speaking of hibernating…what’s up with that?  

Look, there’s this misconception that we are snoozing the whole time. Yes, we are asleep for  most of winter, but we’re also just chilling, you know. It’s cold outside, and there ain’t a lot of  food to go around. Those dens can be pretty cozy, too. Plus, it can be a real schlep going back and forth from the den to the Kenai River, especially through the snow. So, you provide us with the nutrients and fat storage we need to sleep those dark months away.

Hence, why you load up on my cousins.  

Exactly. Don’t get me wrong, we bears also love our honey and fruit and nuts. Our noses are delectable detectors. If you smell good, we will sniff you out and have a go.

Remind me to stop wearing cologne.  

(Laughs) What about you guys? 

What about us?  

Well, OK, I have a question for you: the swimming upstream stuff. What’s up with that?

You ever get homesick?  

Sure. 

It’s something like that. Salmon are born in freshwater, but we like the big city vibes of the ocean. But like many urbanites, we find that as we age and want to start families,  there’s no place like home.  

Very cool. 

Yeah, I agree.  

Well, here’s a question I hesitate to ask: Of all the types of salmon you have eaten, which do you prefer?

Short answer: Sockeye. Talk about a robust flavor! I’m also partial to Chinook or King salmon, which have a rich, buttery taste. If this is a first-date situation, we’re dining on Chinook! 

Hey, this was fun. I love talking about food — I consider myself a bit of a foodie. 

Again, I agree. Thank you for sitting down with me and answering my questions. 

Likewise, and any time! 

Well, don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope our paths never cross again. 

(Laughs) None taken!